Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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