i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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