yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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