can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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