my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
