I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
