he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
