sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
