I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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