Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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