I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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