fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Welp...herpes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
