im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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