I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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