this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wear drunk well.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
