You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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