Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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