Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
