the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
