dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i think i have herpe
just one?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
