Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
