My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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