Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
