Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
