I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
