I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
