but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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