I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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