Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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