Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
