I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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