Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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