my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
