its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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