I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
