I am in a vortex of obligation.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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