I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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