Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
