woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
