Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
