If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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