If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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