Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
