So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
