So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
