after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
