i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
