You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
