I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
