i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
