I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
